HOW difficult can this be? — you might ask.
For a long time, I found that being kind to myself was extremely tough for me. Even now, with all the uncertainty, I still expect a lot of myself.
It is getting better day by day, but I need to remind myself that it is a process of getting to know and cherish myself.
I used to drive myself so hard, working tirelessly, and never knew when to stop. I was expecting the best from myself, but and no matter what I did,
IT WAS NEVER ENOUGH!
I was never satisfied.
I was always striving to do more, to be better, to improve, to achieve more, to learn more.
This was like an uncontrollable, invisible thing which was driving me crazy and sometimes to total exhaustion.
No matter what I did, it was never enough for me.
After some time spent in meditation and pondering on this, I realised that deep down I feel that:
I AM NOT ENOUGH.
That I needed to achieve, in order to be ‘deserveable ‘.
I needed to accomplish more to be loveable.
That feeling that we’re not enough stems from our childhood when we were only acknowledged when we performed well, brought home good grades or did something to make our parents proud. So they, in return, would love us.
Love given to us was conditional, was based on performance and achievement. We did not believe that being uniquely ourselves was in itself a gift and a miracle.
This is the reason that throughout our lives we feel unworthy of love, not accepted. We feel that doing and achieving more will gain people’s approval, love and acceptance.
The feeling that I’m not enough is one of the most difficult emotional wounds to heal.
I still struggle with this from time-to-time. It’s difficult to have kindness, compassion and appreciation for myself, but I’m getting better at it.
This feeling of unworthiness permeates through the core of one’s being, and no matter what you do, no matter how much you try, it doesn’t go away.
Being aware of this ‘not enough’ core feeling is the first step to freeing yourself from it.
The second step is to really nurture yourself, to care for yourself, treat yourself as you would treat somebody very precious to you:
– Listen to your body, to what it needs right now. Maybe you need to rest, do less not more? Do YOU need to be with others or on your own at this moment? What do YOU need, as opposed to what others expect from you?
– To discern what YOU are feeling right now. What is the emotion YOU need to acknowledge and feel? Allow yourself to feel the sensation fully, without denying it and pushing it away. (For more on emotions generally, please read my other post https://marzenapenfold.com/emotions-are-the-language-of-our-souls/)
– Be more understanding of yourself. You don’t have to be perfect. This is good enough.
It isn’t easy. It’s a long process of being compassionate, understanding, and in tune with yourself, but it’s so worth it. It’s so wonderful to free yourself from this insatiable feeling of not being enough. You don’t need to do anything to be deserving of love.
The third step requires courage and a radical shift in the understanding of who you think you are:
YOUR BIRTHRIGHT IS LOVE, JOY AND PEACE.
With all my love ❤️