Emotions are a double-edged sword.

Feeling your emotions is essential to your wellbeing, but if you suppress them, not only can you not feel anything else, but they gain strength and power, and they will explode one way or the other and probably in the most undesirable situation.

Throughout my life, I have been taught to suppress my emotions.

From a very early age, my narcissistic mother taught me that any expression of anger and disappointment as a child was not going to be tolerated by her. I recall an incident when I was around five years old when she punished me by not talking to me for days, completely ignoring me. I just wanted my mummy to love me. I begged her forgiveness and cried myself to sleep for days.

I needed her love, approval and acceptance so much, as every child does. I had learned my first and “most important lesson” in life is to never express my anger or disagreement, and from that early age to be compliant, an obedient little girl who would never disagree with her mother.

Can you imagine how my life turned out when I was bottling it all up for years, not allowing myself to feel anything? I was so terrified of being punished when expressing my emotions.

But the day came when I met this wonderful, loving, caring man. Can you imagine what then happened? All those pent up emotions just exploded. I loved him so dearly, but I was a real b***h to him. The rage was spilling all over me. I could not control myself or my emotions. I was like a possessed woman, seething with anger.

Things got so bad that I knew if I continued like this, I would lose him. We started counselling together, and as a result, it became evident that I needed to do something about my uncontrollable anger.

So there I was, my suppressed emotions had finally caught up with me. I started dealing with them at that point.

The only way for me not to explode during frequent self-provoked arguments, was to go out. Going out for looong loooong walks was the way I was processing all those feeling, sensing them, slowly letting them pass, and most of all acknowledging them with all my being. The long walks saved me and my relationship. It was a very long and painful process, to allow myself to feel all that pain inside me.

Each time, it was extremely difficult to pull myself away from the heat of the moment. It was like there was an internal power to continue my barrage of abuse, my raging arguments. It’s difficult to explain, but pulling away was a real struggle. I just knew that this was necessary in order to start processing everything that was going on inside me. To deal with all of my emotions with love, compassion and understanding.

There were a lot of tears. I am sure that the passers-by were thinking that I was a madwoman, as I was very often sobbing uncontrollably. But those loving, self-embracing walks saved me and my wonderful relationship.

And this is the only way. If you want to have a loving, happy life and fulfilling relationships you need to deal with all your baggage. You need to be vulnerable, brave, courageous and loving to hold this space for yourself, to allow processing all of the anguish, pain and disappointment accumulated during your lifetime.

The emotions will not bite you, and they are there to be felt, acknowledged with love, compassion and gentleness. Allow them to come to the light of your awareness, sense them, but without trying to get rid of them. Let them just be, in love and tenderness.

Please let me know your thoughts and experiences on how you deal / have dealt with your emotions.

With all my love

Marzena

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: