I remember there was a time as an adult when my self-worth was very low. Around that time, my father had a number of disagreements with my young son. On one occasion, he had treated my son in a, particularly bad way.
Although at that time I wouldn’t have defended myself against my father, I leapt to the defence of my son. As a mother, I would not allow anybody to hurt my son, I would have fought for him no matter what.
Later on, I was recalling this incident to my counsellor, and to this day I remember myself saying: “I don’t mind being mistreated by my father, but I will never tolerate him doing it to my son.”
And I still, all these years later, clearly recall how my counsellor responded.
She asked me: “WHY DO YOU THINK THAT YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE RESPECTED?”
WOW! How simple and powerful THAT was. I realised then how little value I had for myself. I also deserved to be treated with respect. It was the most profound AHA moment for me. It changed my life.
THAT WAS THE BEST PIECE OF ADVICE I’VE EVER RECEIVED.
This new understanding has significantly helped my life turn out for the better.
Because They Are Our Parents, It Does Not Give Them A Licence To Disrespect Us.
WE ALL HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE TREATED WITH LOVE, RESPECT AND APPRECIATION.
Why do you like helping others? Have
you ever wondered?
This question might sound very strange
to you, but it’s valid.
I invite you to ask yourself the following:
“Why do I like helping others?”, and
ponder on it. Notice how you, your body and mind react.
Some reasons you want to help others might
You feel guilty if
you don’t help them.
something back in return.
It will make you
You want people
to need you.
You are afraid of
You want to avoid
working on your own problems.
You are running
away from something.
You want others
to be dependent upon you.
You don’t know
when to stop and let them learn how to resolve their own problems.
You are afraid of
Do any of the above resonate with you? Maybe
helping others at all cost is not what is needed.
Caring about others needs to come from the
place of being FULLY FULFILLED YOURSELF. Giving without expecting
something in return, without any tag attached to helping.
Helping others requires discernment; what does
the other person really need right now?
Is it possible that by helping them we don’t
allow them to grow, to learn their own lessons in life?
“NEVER GIVE FROM THE DEPTH OF YOUR WELL,
BUT FROM YOUR OVERFLOW”
Automatically saying ‘Yes’ to helping others can
cause more harm than good – both to yourself, and to them.
I remember my adult son asking me for help,
and I refused him. It definitely wasn’t easy. My heart was breaking, but I knew
that it was the best decision, the only one I could have made at that moment. Believe
me, it would have been much easier to have helped him, but I had to say NO because
I could see that he needed to take responsibility for his actions. Me helping
him would have had a detrimental consequence for him.
“TAKE TIME OFF TO GIVE TO YOURSELF,
IN A SENSE TO FILL YOURSELF UP TO FULLNESS,
TO WHERE NOW YOU CAN OVERFLOW IN GIVING.”
– JOHN GRAY
I invite you to consider:
What kind of help, if any, is required?
Do I have the capacity to give at this given
moment? Maybe I need to look after myself now?
Take your time before you say YES. Check internally, sense whether you want to do it. Or why you are doing it. Do you want to please anyone?
Learn to use, or even overuse, saying NO. You
can always change your mind, but if you’re unsure or have any doubt, always say
I’ll give you a tip here. If saying straightforward
NO is too difficult for you, you can say instead, “Let me think about it and
I’ll get back to you“. This way, it’s not a straight NO, but it gives you time
and an opportunity to think about it and make a decision without any pressure.
Notice which people drain your energy or are
negative. Learn how to discern. Yet again, listen to your body. The wisdom is
inside of us. And avoid or minimise spending time with those people.
Conversely, notice who makes you feel energised,
who is positive, encouraging and motivating. And spend more time around them.
Have a lot of compassion for yourself. You don’t
have to be perfect – just good enough, and treat yourself as you would treat
your best friend.
Trust your feelings and intuition much much more,
using them as your internal compass. Exercise those “gut feeling” muscles – the
more you practice, the better you get.
Be more forgiving, gentle and less self-critical.
Last but not least! Practice feeling GRATEFUL. It will really make you happier. Appreciate what you already have and be thankful.
The news is that, for most people, New Year good intentions never last!
We need to stop kidding ourselves that it will work. We are continually being conditioned and manipulated into believing that New Year resolutions work, and that they are going to change our lives.
“In fact, around 12 per cent of gym members sign up in January, and according to the Fitness Industry Association, 4 per cent of new gym-goers don’t even make it past the end of January and 14 per cent drop out in February and most people have quit or stop going after 24 weeks.”
So how do you achieve lasting change?
For me, every day is the beginning of something new.
Big change is the process of making small changes.
The change does not need to be big. You don’t have to make a big shift, just take the smallest step possible.
What is the smallest change can you make today?
My motto is: “It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop” – Confucius
My favourite quote is one from Desmond Tutu. He said that
“THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO EAT AN ELEPHANT: A BITE AT A TIME.”
Everything in life that seems daunting, overwhelming, and even impossible can be achieved gradually by taking on JUST A LITTLE STEP AT A TIME.
Why do so many people fall short of turning their dreams into reality? They try to eat the whole elephant in a single bite. (I just love this comparison, it’s so visual. It definitely works for me.)
Let’s talk about efficiency here. I don’t like wasting my time, and try to make the most of it. So the question to you would be: What is the smallest possible step towards your future goal you can take right now? The step that will require the least amount of your effort?
Let’s think about this ….
For example: If you want to get fit, start with walking. Take a short walk (daily, weekly) it’s really up to you. What is the minimum you can do today? 5 min? 10 min walk? You need to decide. What does it feel ok for you to do today with the minimum effort used? Just something very small.
Do you want to learn to meditate?
How about initially, try 2 min of breathing exercise, being aware of your breathing, for 2 min every day. Do you think you can do it?
Does it sound too easy? Don’t deceive yourself, easy is good, easy is progress, easy is a continuance.
Or maybe you could do some more gardening- maybe just a few minutes a day. Being outside in the fresh air is so invigorating. We have really lost touch in being with nature.
And most of all, whatever you do, try to enjoy yourself. Do it with joy, excitement, in a child-like way. It does not have to be hard to be effective, but please start with a joyful, radiant attitude and make it as easy as possible.
Don’t try to make your life difficult, there is no need. Make it effortless.
Apply this to every goal. Start with easy steps, repeat them and progress …. Slow, easy, small steps towards your goal. One bite at a time. Then make a change if needed.
Trust your guts, how much is too much?
How much is just boring? Make it interesting.
Add or get rid of something. It’s a process.
You can be as creative as you want.
As Tao Tzu said – “THE JOURNEY OF THOUSAND MILES BEGINS WITH ONE STEP.”