Personal Development

The illusion of Quick-Fix Results

Let me tell you the truth; we are all being deceived.
A lot of online life coaching industry is based on quick solutions:
“100% proven, quick effective methods”
or
One-month long healing programme where you can change your life forever”.

But the reality is that what sounds too good to be true IS too good to be true.

We all want quick, miraculous results but it ain’t happening, sorry to say that!

Emotional healing is not a short event, it is an ongoing process, and there are no short cuts.

You need to be doing the hard work.

Save yourself money, time and disappointment by not going for fast, life-changing courses, that you know deep-down won’t help you.

As Carl Rogers, one of the most eminent psychologists of the 20th century, said, to ‘be a fully functioning person’ you need to work from the inside outwards. And what’s more, the work never stops, it’s a process, a lifelong process.

It’s a process of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and self-knowledge, where you need to be brave to explore the parts of your inner you, where you have never been before, the parts that are painful, tender, scary and vulnerable.

The journey is most rewarding, and also frightening at the same time. It is where you fall in love with yourself, with the whole of you, and re-discover who you really are.

Who do you need on your journey of self-discovery and emotional healing?

☑️ FIRSTLY, on some part of your journey, you may need a person by your side, a sounding board. Please be cautious of people who claim to have all the answers after attending a ‘quick-fix’ training course.

I will give some suggestions on finding an ‘appropriate’ life coach in a future post, but for now, the person you really need is someone who has done her or his work and is still in their healing journey.
They may be a bit further than you and may be a bit more advanced, but never-the-less are STILL on the journey. A person who you can trust and is there for you, holding space with empathy, affection and understanding.

When you are next on an introductory session with a life coach, please pay attention to the above points.

Also, please be cautious of people telling others what and how they must feel and behave. Nobody but YOU know what is going on inside you. Your emotions, feelings, sensations, beliefs. And nobody can understand how it is to be YOU.

☑️So, SECONDLY, you need to develop that strong internal compass, that awareness of who you are because this is your life.
Your body is very wise and holds the key to your self-discovery. Your body is the entry point to the internal wisdom and knowledge. You need to learn how to listen to it, how to be still and be aware.

If you want to find out more on the wisdom of the body, please read my post ‘Your innate wisdom and intelligence’.
https://marzenapenfold.com/your-innate-wisdom-and-intellig…/

And to end this post, this is how Carl Rogers describes the ‘good life’ of a ’fully functioning person’:

“This process of the good life is not, I am convinced, a life for the faint-hearted. It involves the stretching and growing of becoming more and more of one’s potentialities. It involves the courage to be. It means launching oneself fully into the stream of life.”

I wish you that one day you will launch yourself fully into the stream of life.

With all my love ❤️
Marzena

Your Innate Wisdom And Intelligence

Emotions like hatred, anger, envy, jealousy, irritation, rage and vengefulness are not bad; they have a function to play. They are informing us about the state of our internal world.

They are our allies. They have been designed by our innate intelligence to warn us if things are going out of balance.

It’s like a pain in your body. Your body sends you the pain sensation to let you know that something is malfunctioning, that you need to take care of some part of your body. It’s a protective, warning system.

Your body has innate wisdom, intelligence beyond your wildest imagination. This wisdom always strives for balance and harmony. Your body is self-healing. What’s more, you don’t need to know anything about it.

Your cognitive function is not involved in this process. Every second of your life, there are millions of chemical reactions taking place in your body simultaneously, and you have no idea how your system self-regulates.

For me, this is the highest order of wisdom and intelligence. If this magnificent body sends you any signals that something is out of whack – you need to listen!

And of course, when we abuse our bodies with food, alcohol, drugs or excessive stress, we are damaging the self-healing system, and our bodies struggle to correct/self-heal themselves.

In this desperate attempt to get your attention, your body sends you signals like pain (physical, or/and emotional). This could mean that things have moved on so much that you need to stop, listen and make changes to your behaviour.
Our body informs us that it is stressed, overloaded, overworked.

Therefore, you need to be grateful for all these messages, including emotional responses such as anger, rage, fear – it means that your system is out of balance and you need to attend to its needs.

Your emotions are your allies, and you need to get to know them so that you can respond to the cry of your innate intelligence.

I am still in awe of how our body’s intelligence and our divine wisdom work together for the betterment of humanity.

So yes, emotions are an essential part of our being.

With all my love
Marzena

We Are Holistic And Interconnected Beings

We Are Holistic And Interconnected Beings – Biocognitive Therapy

I have been searching for emotional healing as long as I can remember, and let me tell you I am the most resourceful person ever. I have tried everything, all forms of counselling and therapies. They all helped a little bit, but always something was missing…

The missing part was that each of the methods I was working with was treating a complicated human being as separate functional blocks, independent compartments, neither connected with each other nor the whole universe. We are, in fact, beings with intertwined mind, body and spirit – holistic, wholesome and, interconnected.

The approach, when we focus mainly on our thinking (like in conventional counselling therapy), works only in a limited way.

You know that it’s not possible to reason yourself into change. If it were, an alcoholic would just stop drinking; it wouldn’t be so difficult.

Instead, the way to make any significant changes requires not only a new, holistic understanding of our whole being but also a change in our belief system and a new paradigm to work with.

We were not brought up in a vacuum. Cultural influence is also important – we were moulded and influenced by our families, religions and cultures.

Change requires not only a lot of courage and perseverance but also emotional awareness. Awareness of our emotions, of how they are triggered, and how to integrate them. It is a delicate process.

In my work as a Personal Development Coach, I incorporate the wisdom of Western knowledge along with Eastern traditions.  

From a Western perspective, the science of integration of body and mind, and investigation of how our culture influenced us is called biocognitive therapy.

In biocognitive therapy, a concept which is important to the healing process is the embodiment.

Embodying our emotions means sensing and feeling all of them, even the ‘ugly’ ones. Not running away, not hiding or denying anything, but looking deep into ourselves.

Mind, body and spirit interact, affecting each other all the time. Eastern traditions like yoga, meditation, Tantra and Taoism are examples of this. The mind affects body and spirit, and vice versa.

When I integrated some of these Western and Eastern concepts into my daily routine, my healing took a different turn – everybody around me said that I had become more loving, caring and understanding.

Equally important, I was feeling content, peaceful, joyful, and generally, life was getting easier.

Using these techniques with women in my practice, the results were astonishing. The healing takes place on multiple levels, with amazing results in a relatively short period of time.

As you will find out, painful emotions are only energies stuck in our bodies. As soon as we acknowledge them, feel them and let them pass as ‘fluffy clouds in the sky’ – they dissipate.

The painful emotions lose their bite, and they don’t hurt anymore.

It’s so liberating to free yourself from the claws of these painful emotions. When they don’t control us any more, this gives us the gift of conscious choice, the choice to respond, as opposed to reacting, to our emotions and circumstances.

When you are honest with yourself about what are you feeling at any given moment, and only then, can you act from a place of truth.

And this is a simple but challenging way to live a happy, joyful and meaningful life.

And remember –

It is our birthright to live in an abundance of love, wealth and health

With all my love

Marzena

TO GO HOME FOR CHRISTMAS – OR NOT TO GO

Christmas is approaching, and yet again we need to decide where and with whom to spend it. For many of us, Christmas with our families can be a tough and challenging time.

As Ram Dass said (I’m paraphrasing here):

“If you think you are healed from your emotional wounds, go and spend one week with your family.“

I was going home for Christmas for many years, and every time was fraught with pain, frustration, tears, uncertainty, anxiety. But one year I decided enough was enough. I could not take it any longer. The pain and frustration was just too much to bear, and I stopped going. I must say it was not easy – I had to find the balance within myself between guilt and resentment.

Being with my family at Christmas, or any other time, just completely destroyed my soul. The constant uncertainty about what was going to happen next, my mother’s unpredictability, how she was going to react, the anticipation of her emotional outbursts, abusive words, complaints. And most of all, her complete lack of respect for anybody but herself.

I said it: enough was enough.

One day I realised that I have rights and feelings. My needs count, and I would not tolerate any more abuse from her. For my own sanity, I decided to instead surround myself with people who’s company I love and cherish.

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  • I decided that i would respect my feelings.
  • To be gentle, caring and loving to myself.
  • To listen to what i wanted, as opposed to what others wanted/expected of me.
  • To be less critical and more forgiving of myself.
  • If i didn’t want to go home for christmas, i didn’t have to!
  • I HAVE A CHOICE WHERE AND HOW I WANT TO SPEND CHRISTMAS BECAUSE I LOVE AND RESPECT MYSELF.

I invite you to say these words out loud, and listen to how your body is reacting, listen and sense and allow the sensation to pass. This might be the first time that you are actually allowing yourself to hear and feel what those words mean in a visceral way.

How your body is reacting when you give yourself permission to feel and choose. And this time you can really truly trust yourself. You can trust what your body is telling you, trust in your gut instinct. And you know what’s more, nothing bad is going to happen to you. You are an adult now, you are not a child anymore and nobody has any control over you.

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From then on, each year I’ve spent my Christmas at my home, surrounded by people I chose to be with. These festive times have become loving, tender, warm gatherings of people who love and mutually respect each other. We spend our Christmases in an atmosphere of love and joy and laughter.

I also decided not to have presents for Christmas. It was my conscious choice. It might not be the choice for you, but it was for me. The most important thing is to realise that we have a choice, that we can listen to our souls, our hearts, our guts for direction. 

As I said, in my home, we don’t have to give each other presents at Christmas. I found all this business with buying presents quite distruptive – it takes us away from true deep connection.

When my sons were small, then yes, the presents were given for them, but not now that they are adults.

Why do we need to spend time, money and effort, trying to buy something that most of the time the other person does not need or want? I used to give all my presents away anyway, or kept them for the next year to give to someone else!

The time and each other’s company, love and understanding, joy and laughter are now the presents we give to each other. This is what Christmas has become for me, this is my way of celebrating the festive season.

This might not be your way of celebrating Christmas, but what I’m trying to convey here is that it is up to you how you want to celebrate it. You HAVE A CHOICE.

But you need to be prepared that others might not like it, and that’s fine because they also have the right to their ways of celebrating Christmas.

We need to learn that others do not have to agree with our new-found freedom and choice. But this is ok.

We can make changes, and allow others to stay as they are because they also have freedom to be, and to choose.

I wish for you to have the Christmas 2019 that YOU truly enjoy and desire.

With all my love Marzena

Why Do We Allow Others to Mistreat Us?

Why do we allow others to mistreat us?

Many of us have not been taught as children what real, unconditional love looks like. As children, we needed to comply, at all costs, to the demands of our parents. Our lives completely depended upon them. They were the highest authority for us then. If they could not mirror real, unconditional love to us, we couldn’t have the slightest idea what real, unconditional love was.

If in our childhood, love was mixed up with pain, this is how we are going to expect that our love will be in our adulthood.

This was my childhood experience, and very often the childhood of many of us. Physical and emotional abuse received from the hands of ones who should have loved us the most.

As a small child, I was often wondering: “Why do my parents hurt me, when they are supposed to love me?”

This was the most difficult thing to comprehend, to understand for a young, vulnerable, dependent child.

This thought occupied my little head for a long time. My innocent child’s mind could not comprehend this dilemma.

So one day, I gathered enough courage and asked my mother about it: “If parents love their children, why do they hurt them?”

This was my little child’s way of trying to understand a big grown-ups’ world.

My mother’s response was: “Parents hurt their children when they are angry with them”.

As a child, I couldn’t comprehend that parents can intermingle love with violence and JUSTIFY that.

I was carrying this horrendous understanding into my adulthood, which had affected my whole life in a detrimental way.

I’m not advocating here blame or shedding of responsibility for your own emotional healing, but I’m pointing out one of the ways that emotional wounding can happen, and the way it can affect our adulthood.

From that place of increased awareness and understanding, you can start to embark on the journey of self-healing and self-discovery. You can learn how to empower yourself, be more aware and take responsibility for your own life, without blaming anybody else.

The first step includes:

– Being aware of your wounding, of your misperceptions.

– What are your thoughts now as an adult? You’re not a child anymore.

– You deserve to be treated in a loving, nurturing, respectful way.

We deserve to be loved, respected and cherished. This is our birthright. But we need to disengage from the misconception that LOVE=PAIN.

With Love

Marzena