Personal Development

Why Do You Like Helping Others?

Photo by Artem Bali

Why do you like helping others? Have you ever wondered?

This question might sound very strange to you, but it’s valid.

I invite you to ask yourself the following:

“Why do I like helping others?”, and ponder on it. Notice how you, your body and mind react.

Some reasons you want to help others might be:

  • You feel guilty if you don’t help them.
  • You want something back in return.
  • It will make you feel important.
  • You want people to need you.
  • You are afraid of saying NO.
  • You want to avoid working on your own problems.
  • You are running away from something.
  • You want others to be dependent upon you.
  • You don’t know when to stop and let them learn how to resolve their own problems.
  • You are afraid of them.

Do any of the above resonate with you? Maybe helping others at all cost is not what is needed.

Caring about others needs to come from the place of being FULLY FULFILLED YOURSELF. Giving without expecting something in return, without any tag attached to helping.

Helping others requires discernment; what does the other person really need right now?

Is it possible that by helping them we don’t allow them to grow, to learn their own lessons in life?

“NEVER GIVE FROM THE DEPTH OF YOUR WELL,

BUT FROM YOUR OVERFLOW”

 – RUMI

Automatically saying ‘Yes’ to helping others can cause more harm than good – both to yourself, and to them.

I remember my adult son asking me for help, and I refused him. It definitely wasn’t easy. My heart was breaking, but I knew that it was the best decision, the only one I could have made at that moment. Believe me, it would have been much easier to have helped him, but I had to say NO because I could see that he needed to take responsibility for his actions. Me helping him would have had a detrimental consequence for him.

“TAKE TIME OFF TO GIVE TO YOURSELF,

 IN A SENSE TO FILL YOURSELF UP TO FULLNESS,

TO WHERE NOW YOU CAN OVERFLOW IN GIVING.”

–  JOHN GRAY

I invite you to consider:

What kind of help, if any, is required?

Or

Do I have the capacity to give at this given moment? Maybe I need to look after myself now?

With all my love,

Marzena

Don’t Believe Your Thoughts.

Photo by Daria Shevtsova

Do you hear those discouraging, critical thoughts in your head?

I used to. The judgemental voices in my head were saying things like:

  • Why did you do it again?
  • You should have known better!
  • Don’t even try it, …
  • Girls don’t do that …
  • It’s your fault …
  • You don’t deserve it …

To name but a few!

I still recognise those thoughts. They were haunting me for as long as I could remember.

Listening to those voices created a lot of pain and anguish in my life, damaged many of my relationships, and often self-sabotaged my efforts.

Those thoughts unconsciously controlled me, and in many ways influenced my actions. 

They were whispering words of doubts, criticism, low self-esteem and victimhood.

You might be wondering where those thoughts come from.

Those voices in our heads come from people who were very important to us, our significant others (e.g. parents, teachers or people in authority) when we were small and easily influenced.

Those thoughts, as Freud would say, are our parental voices, our super-ego, that ‘keep us in line’. They are ensuring what our significant others would have wanted us to do, or projected on us their own fears and insecurities.

I still hear them, but I don’t believe them anymore.

And this is the SECRET.

DON’T BELIEVE your THOUGHTS.

When we become aware of those thoughts and start noticing them, we begin to understand that they are only thoughts in our heads – and only then do they lose their power to control us.

When we become aware of them, then we can decide how to respond. We are empowered.

“Most people are other people.

Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions,

their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.” – Oscar Wilde

Those thoughts are not you, and neither are those critical voices. THE REAL YOU IS LOVING, CONSIDERATE AND ALL-ENCOMPASSING.

I invite you to start paying attention to those thoughts, noticing them, being aware of them.

They are only thoughts – don’t believe them.

By realising that they are not you, these negative thoughts will lose their tight hold over you.

At first, it might be difficult, but it gets easier. Practice makes it better.

And……

Please don’t get angry with yourself when, from time to time, you allow them to control you. This is a slow and conscious process of retraining our mind and re-educating ourselves.

But it is sooo worth it…

WHEN YOU STOP BELIEVING THOSE THOUGHTS, YOU WILL EXPERIENCE MORE JOY, FREEDOM, COURAGE, SATISFACTION AND CREATIVITY IN YOUR LIFE.

Eckhart Tolle said:

“ ’What freedom is?’

 Is to realise that the ‘voice in my head’ is not who I am.

‘Who am I, then?’

 The one who sees that. ”

With all my love ❤️
Marzena

Why Do You Still Resist Your Radiant Inner Beauty?

Why is it so wrong to admire yourself?
Why have we been taught that appreciating yourself is wrong?

There are 7 billion people on this planet, and each one of them is unique, one of a kind, distinctive, with different qualities, talents and abilities.

DON’T YOU THINK THAT THIS IS A MIRACLE WORTH ADMIRATION?

You are unique; they are unique, all of us are unique. Isn’t this enough reason to admire your own inner beauty and excellence.

It isn’t wrong to be self-appreciating instead of self-deprecating, but society prefers false humbleness, pseudo-humility.

Don’t allow others to tell you what and how to feel about yourself, to define you. Don’t allow them to project their own fears and insecurities onto you.

Self-appreciation and self-love are so much needed for our emotional wellbeing.

Don’t tolerate others bullying you into their own restricted, limited vision of you.

Don’t accept others putting you down, making you small.
You are not small; you are unique, excellent, magnificent.

When you admire yourself, you can then begin to admire others as well.
Admiration is an appreciation of gifts, talents and inner beauty.

And this is how you need to start living your life.
The more of us that re-discover our radiant inner beauty, the better place the world becomes.

With all my love,
Marzena

Slow Down… Stop Being So Busy… And You Might Surprise Yourself!

Photo by Free-Photos

What is the most ‘fashionable’ expression right now?

OMG – I’M SO BUSY!!!

Yes, it seems that being busy is very fashionable.

‘Busy-ness’ is many people’s defaults position. It might even feel that having so much to do equates with being ‘successful’ in life.

But the side-effect is that the physical ‘busy-ness’ makes us anxious, agitated, restless, tired, unhappy, unfulfilled and not present. 

Alternatively…

Can you stop and pause? Is there anything that does not need to be done right now? Is it possible to stop being perfect? Do you have to tick off all the items on your to-do list?

Ask yourself these questions:

“Is it possible that I am afraid of being still and quiet? Of just being?

What am I trying to avoid?”

And SENSE what the answer is. Allow yourself to feel that need, that tension to rush, to do things.

Stillness can be frightening, so we keep ourselves busy.

We like being busy and very often are mindlessly rushing around.

Why are we so afraid of stillness? Of that enormous GAP between our thoughts and actions?

‘Mind that GAP ‘

How would you feel if I told you that that gap between your thoughts and actions is a well of your inner wisdom, the place of wonder and surprise?

Stop avoiding and running away from stillness, and you will discover that hidden wonder, the beauty of serenity and quietness. You might surprise yourself. 

The physical ‘busy-ness’ makes us anxious, restless, tired, unhappy, unfulfilled and not present.  When we stop, we able to notice things, admire and appreciate the splendour of the moment.

Being in the moment allows you to take in this precious stillness – a moment of profound inner wisdom and awe.

I invite you to be still and silent and take in this very moment.

 Life is so magnificent.

Take in that splendour of being in the NOW.

I suggest that you integrate this as one of your daily self-caring practices, and you will notice how much more grace, beauty, joy and wisdom is in any given moment of your life.

With all my love

Marzena

What Does Self-Care Mean To You?

Photo by MikesPhotos

Here are some of the main points I’ll explore, but there are many many more to delve into:

  • You’re your main priority.

Looking after yourself is your main priority. It’s not a luxury anymore, but it’s a necessity for your wellbeing and growth.

And please don’t feel guilty about it. Yes, we (especially women) have been made to think that looking after yourself is SELFISH.

NONSENSE!! Don’t believe it anymore.  

How about we make our ‘new’ New Year’s Resolution (I know, I said in one of my previous posts that I hate New Year’s resolutions, but I’ll make an exception here!) to be:

LOOKING AFTER YOURSELF IN 2020 IS GOING TO BE OUR MAIN PRIORITY!

  • Take your time before you say YES. Check internally, sense whether you want to do it. Or why you are doing it. Do you want to please anyone?
  • Learn to use, or even overuse, saying NO. You can always change your mind, but if you’re unsure or have any doubt, always say NO.

I’ll give you a tip here. If saying straightforward NO is too difficult for you, you can say instead, “Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you“. This way, it’s not a straight NO, but it gives you time and an opportunity to think about it and make a decision without any pressure.

  • Notice which people drain your energy or are negative. Learn how to discern. Yet again, listen to your body. The wisdom is inside of us. And avoid or minimise spending time with those people.
  • Conversely, notice who makes you feel energised, who is positive, encouraging and motivating. And spend more time around them.
  • Have a lot of compassion for yourself. You don’t have to be perfect – just good enough, and treat yourself as you would treat your best friend.
  • Trust your feelings and intuition much much more, using them as your internal compass. Exercise those “gut feeling” muscles – the more you practice, the better you get.
  • Be more forgiving, gentle and less self-critical.
  • Last but not least! Practice feeling GRATEFUL. It will really make you happier. Appreciate what you already have and be thankful.

With Love

Marzena

Do you HATE New Year resolutions?

Photo by Pixabay

I DO!

The news is that, for most people, New Year good intentions never last!

We need to stop kidding ourselves that it will work.
We are continually being conditioned and manipulated into believing that New Year resolutions work, and that they are going to change our lives.

“In fact, around 12 per cent of gym members sign up in January, and according to the Fitness Industry Association, 4 per cent of new gym-goers don’t even make it past the end of January and 14 per cent drop out in February and most people have quit or stop going after 24 weeks.”

So how do you achieve lasting change?

For me, every day is the beginning of something new.

Big change is the process of making small changes.

The change does not need to be big. You don’t have to make a big shift, just take the smallest step possible.

What is the smallest change can you make today?

My motto is:
“It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop” – Confucius

My favourite quote is one from Desmond Tutu. He said that

“THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO EAT AN ELEPHANT: A BITE AT A TIME.”

Everything in life that seems daunting, overwhelming, and even impossible can be achieved gradually by taking on JUST A LITTLE STEP AT A TIME.

Why do so many people fall short of turning their dreams into reality? They try to eat the whole elephant in a single bite. (I just love this comparison, it’s so visual. It definitely works for me.)

Let’s talk about efficiency here. I don’t like wasting my time, and try to make the most of it. So the question to you would be:
What is the smallest possible step towards your future goal you can take right now? The step that will require the least amount of your effort?

Let’s think about this ….

For example:
If you want to get fit, start with walking. Take a short walk (daily, weekly) it’s really up to you.
What is the minimum you can do today? 5 min? 10 min walk?
You need to decide.
What does it feel ok for you to do today with the minimum effort used?
Just something very small.

or

Do you want to learn to meditate?

How about initially, try 2 min of breathing exercise, being aware of your breathing, for 2 min every day.
Do you think you can do it?

Does it sound too easy? Don’t deceive yourself, easy is good, easy is progress, easy is a continuance.

Or maybe you could do some more gardening- maybe just a few minutes a day.
Being outside in the fresh air is so invigorating. We have really lost touch in being with nature.

And most of all, whatever you do, try to enjoy yourself.
Do it with joy, excitement, in a child-like way. It does not have to be hard to be effective, but please start with a joyful, radiant attitude and make it as easy as possible.

Don’t try to make your life difficult, there is no need. Make it effortless.

Apply this to every goal. Start with easy steps, repeat them and progress ….
Slow, easy, small steps towards your goal. One bite at a time. Then make a change if needed.

Trust your guts, how much is too much?

How much is just boring? Make it interesting.

Add or get rid of something. It’s a process.

You can be as creative as you want.

As Tao Tzu said –
“THE JOURNEY OF THOUSAND MILES BEGINS WITH ONE STEP.”

With Love

Marzena

How Are You Feeling After Christmas?

Photo by Matheus Bertelli

How was this Christmas for you?

Have you made the right decision about where you want to be, with whom, and for how long?

Have you just survived? Or have you had a fabulous time?

If you’ve had a fabulous time – that’s wonderful!

Celebrate that, your experiences, your relationships. And cultivate those relationships.

However, if you are happy that Christmas is over  …

Or

You have just survived and are depleted, tired and thinking “thank god I still have a few days to recover”.

then you need to be aware of how you feel and what you need.

Those questions are very important.

What do I need?

How do I feel?

It is very probable that you have never asked yourself those questions. That you’ve lived your whole life as others wanted you to – fulfilling other’s expectations.

If so, you are not in tune with your own internal compass, your own feelings, needs and wants, because nobody ever taught you.

You were taught to comply with what your parents wanted, society expected or your partner liked and so on.

But how about you?

What do you need right now?  

THE MORE OFTEN YOU ASK YOURSELF THOSE QUESTIONS, THE MORE YOU WILL BE IN TUNE WITH YOUR INTERNAL COMPASS AND YOU WILL KNOW WHAT YOUR NEEDS ARE.

THE MORE YOU WILL KNOW WHEN TO SAY YES AND WHEN TO SAY NO.

Now is the time to contemplate on this, to reflect., to feel your body.

How does your body respond to those questions?

Your body is your entry gate to your inner world. You need to bypass your mind, as your mind is so preconditioned with what others want you to do that it would not know your true answer.

Your body has its own wisdom, so tap into it.

And now I invite you to contemplate the following:

  • How do I need to look after myself?
  • What do I need to do less or more of?

or

  • My needs and emotions matter.
  • I need some space and that’s ok.
  • I need time for myself, it does not mean that I am weird.
  • Because I don’t like everyone you do, it does not mean that there is something wrong with me…

And please add some more below…

With all my love

Marzena