I remember there was a time as an adult when my self-worth was very low. Around that time, my father had a number of disagreements with my young son. On one occasion, he had treated my son in a, particularly bad way.
Although at that time I wouldn’t have defended myself against my father, I leapt to the defence of my son. As a mother, I would not allow anybody to hurt my son, I would have fought for him no matter what.
Later on, I was recalling this incident to my counsellor, and to this day I remember myself saying: “I don’t mind being mistreated by my father, but I will never tolerate him doing it to my son.”
And I still, all these years later, clearly recall how my counsellor responded.
She asked me: “WHY DO YOU THINK THAT YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE RESPECTED?”
WOW! How simple and powerful THAT was. I realised then how little value I had for myself. I also deserved to be treated with respect. It was the most profound AHA moment for me. It changed my life.
THAT WAS THE BEST PIECE OF ADVICE I’VE EVER RECEIVED.
This new understanding has significantly helped my life turn out for the better.
Because They Are Our Parents, It Does Not Give Them A Licence To Disrespect Us.
WE ALL HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE TREATED WITH LOVE, RESPECT AND APPRECIATION.
Why do you like helping others? Have
you ever wondered?
This question might sound very strange
to you, but it’s valid.
I invite you to ask yourself the following:
“Why do I like helping others?”, and
ponder on it. Notice how you, your body and mind react.
Some reasons you want to help others might
You feel guilty if
you don’t help them.
something back in return.
It will make you
You want people
to need you.
You are afraid of
You want to avoid
working on your own problems.
You are running
away from something.
You want others
to be dependent upon you.
You don’t know
when to stop and let them learn how to resolve their own problems.
You are afraid of
Do any of the above resonate with you? Maybe
helping others at all cost is not what is needed.
Caring about others needs to come from the
place of being FULLY FULFILLED YOURSELF. Giving without expecting
something in return, without any tag attached to helping.
Helping others requires discernment; what does
the other person really need right now?
Is it possible that by helping them we don’t
allow them to grow, to learn their own lessons in life?
“NEVER GIVE FROM THE DEPTH OF YOUR WELL,
BUT FROM YOUR OVERFLOW”
Automatically saying ‘Yes’ to helping others can
cause more harm than good – both to yourself, and to them.
I remember my adult son asking me for help,
and I refused him. It definitely wasn’t easy. My heart was breaking, but I knew
that it was the best decision, the only one I could have made at that moment. Believe
me, it would have been much easier to have helped him, but I had to say NO because
I could see that he needed to take responsibility for his actions. Me helping
him would have had a detrimental consequence for him.
“TAKE TIME OFF TO GIVE TO YOURSELF,
IN A SENSE TO FILL YOURSELF UP TO FULLNESS,
TO WHERE NOW YOU CAN OVERFLOW IN GIVING.”
– JOHN GRAY
I invite you to consider:
What kind of help, if any, is required?
Do I have the capacity to give at this given
moment? Maybe I need to look after myself now?
Do you hear those discouraging, critical thoughts in your head?
I used to. The judgemental voices in my head were saying things like:
Why did you do it again?
You should have known better!
Don’t even try it, …
Girls don’t do that …
It’s your fault …
You don’t deserve it …
To name but a few!
I still recognise those thoughts. They were haunting me for as long as I
Listening to those voices created a lot of pain and anguish in my life, damaged
many of my relationships, and often self-sabotaged my efforts.
Those thoughts unconsciously controlled me, and in many ways influenced
They were whispering words of doubts, criticism, low self-esteem and
You might be wondering where those thoughts come from.
Those voices in our heads come from people who were very important to
us, our significant others (e.g. parents, teachers or people in authority) when
we were small and easily influenced.
Those thoughts, as Freud would say, are our parental voices, our super-ego,
that ‘keep us in line’. They are ensuring what our significant others would have
wanted us to do, or projected on us their own fears and insecurities.
I still hear them, but I don’t believe them anymore.
And this is the SECRET.
DON’T BELIEVE your THOUGHTS.
When we become aware of those thoughts and start noticing them, we begin
to understand that they are only thoughts in our heads – and only then do they
lose their power to control us.
When we become aware of them, then we can decide how to respond. We are
are other people.
are someone else’s opinions,
their lives a
mimicry, their passions a quotation.” – Oscar Wilde
Those thoughts are not you, and neither are those critical voices. THE REAL YOU IS LOVING, CONSIDERATE AND ALL-ENCOMPASSING.
I invite you to start paying attention to those thoughts, noticing them,
being aware of them.
They are only thoughts – don’t believe them.
By realising that they are not you, these negative thoughts will lose
their tight hold over you.
At first, it might be difficult, but it gets easier. Practice makes it
Please don’t get angry with yourself when, from time to time, you allow
them to control you. This is a slow and conscious process of retraining our
mind and re-educating ourselves.
But it is sooo worth it…
WHEN YOU STOP BELIEVING THOSE THOUGHTS, YOU WILL EXPERIENCE MORE JOY, FREEDOM, COURAGE, SATISFACTION AND CREATIVITY IN YOUR LIFE.
Eckhart Tolle said:
“ ’What freedom is?’
Is to realise that the ‘voice in my head’ is not who I am.
Take your time before you say YES. Check internally, sense whether you want to do it. Or why you are doing it. Do you want to please anyone?
Learn to use, or even overuse, saying NO. You
can always change your mind, but if you’re unsure or have any doubt, always say
I’ll give you a tip here. If saying straightforward
NO is too difficult for you, you can say instead, “Let me think about it and
I’ll get back to you“. This way, it’s not a straight NO, but it gives you time
and an opportunity to think about it and make a decision without any pressure.
Notice which people drain your energy or are
negative. Learn how to discern. Yet again, listen to your body. The wisdom is
inside of us. And avoid or minimise spending time with those people.
Conversely, notice who makes you feel energised,
who is positive, encouraging and motivating. And spend more time around them.
Have a lot of compassion for yourself. You don’t
have to be perfect – just good enough, and treat yourself as you would treat
your best friend.
Trust your feelings and intuition much much more,
using them as your internal compass. Exercise those “gut feeling” muscles – the
more you practice, the better you get.
Be more forgiving, gentle and less self-critical.
Last but not least! Practice feeling GRATEFUL. It will really make you happier. Appreciate what you already have and be thankful.